It's been a year...

After the flood last year, I'd lost so much, but gained some insights to human nature that I'll never forget. Due to this new abrupt enlightenment, I have delayed making any major decisions for a year. I felt like I needed to process everything that happened.
The longer I delayed the decisions, the more stuff just kept happening. Through this whole process, I managed to put together pictures for a fundraising coffee table book. I was lucky enough to be asked by my co-creators and CMHA board members Cindy Radu and John Gulak to participate in the project. With the CMHA Team, John and Cindy continued their tireless work on interviews, text, design, and fundraising, and I breathed life into the images with my eyes, my camera, and my editing team.
Our finished product is for sale on the Canadian Mental Health Association - Calgary Region's website. The book was produced completely by some heavy hitters who believed in this project enough to fund it so 100% of the profits go to the CMHA - Calgary. Of this fact I am so grateful to the corporate and individual donors.

Please visit the CMHA - Calgary website and order a book to benefit this great cause.

http://calgary.cmha.ca/events/sick-to-death-of-the-silence/#.U9SCgFboaqQ

This video was produced and played at the book launch on the big screen. Even now the words are as emotional as they were the first time I saw it. Please take the time to watch it.

http://vimeo.com/97352586

One of the reason's I took on this project was because I knew several people who suffered from severe depression, or bi-polar episodes. They are all so dear to me in so many ways that I needed to express how hard it was to watch them suffer in silence.

I have one friend who is a successful property investor. When her world fell apart her life unravelled into a downward spiral. Her then-boyfriend forced her to get medication, but truthfully the medication was improperly prescribed and she went into a tailspin that almost ended her life. She is a great friend but nothing I said or did could prevent the way she felt. I felt helpless to help her get out of the rut she was in. She has since recovered completely and the experience hasn't stalled her life from going forward in success at all. It was only a slight delay. It was mostly of her that was on my mind when I was photographing the people in the book.

After the book was completed, we launched it at Hotel Arts and the launch was sold out to capacity.  We were actually way past capacity to the point where I think the West Jet function in the next room had to give up some space for us. Sorry West Jet (but not really ;)
Shortly after the launch, our key sponsor, and I will add my dear friend to his many titles, W Brett Wilson, hosted his annual #OMGP Garden Party on June 24th, 2014. Brett is one of my favourite human beings with down-home prairie sense and whole lot of compassion for the causes he believes in. At this year's get together, he added our project and the non-profit it benefits to his list of recipients of Garden Party funds.
As we kicked up our heels to the Cowtown Opera Company, Don Amero, McKenzie Porter, and Multi Nominated CCMA Brett Kissel, another talented friend far away in Nashville hit a crisis point.

Leah Marie King struggled with depression on her own as she was cutting a swath in the Nashville area with her Rock/Blues guitar licks. She played for a crowd at my home a few years ago, and I listened to her rip up the stage here in Calgary at the venues she played. She was incredibly witty and sharp, but a true kindred spirit and a good soul. Her kindness when we first met was something I will never forget. On June 24, 2014, while I was immersed in getting the moments of this fundraising party 'on film', trying to save the masses with this heartfelt project, this beautiful soul took her life.
I feel like I missed something. I feel like I should have done something, said something, been there, visited, something, anything, and maybe she'd still be here.  I know her husband Mark, who loved her  so deeply, and made all her dreams come true, he is working through his grief to keep her music alive.

http://www.leahmarieking.com

I know we all have someone, a friend, a parent, sister, brother, cousin, anyone who struggles with Mental Health. There is not one family that it does not touch in some way. Please please please get the word out, send the message, send them this post, buy a book, buy a book and send it to someone. Keep a copy in your office, drop one at your doctor's office. Anything at all, just get the word out there so it doesn't have to be a secret anymore. If we can all talk about it openly and give those struggling with it a voice to be heard, maybe we can prevent the stigma. Maybe someone who is hiding, can be open. Maybe, just maybe, we can end the silence.

Don't Forget To Check Your Compass!

Cole

Love in its smallest measure

“What the world generally refers to as love is an intense emotional condition, combining physical attraction, possessiveness, control, addiction, eroticism, and novelty. It’s usually fragile and fluctuating, waxing and waning with varying conditions. When frustrated, this emotion often reveals an underlying anger and dependency that it had masked. That love can turn to hate is a common perception, but here, an addictive sentimentality is likely what’s being spoken about, rather than Love; there probably never was actual Love in such a relationship, for hate stems from pride, not Love.

Real Love* is characterized by the development of a Love that is unconditional, unchanging, and permanent. It doesn’t fluctuate – its source isn’t dependant on external factors. Loving is a state of being. It’s a forgiving, nurturing, and supportive way of relating to the world. Love isn’t intellectual and doesn’t proceed from the mind; Love emanates from the heart. It has the capacity to lift others and accomplish great feats because of it’s purity of motive.

The capacity to discern essence becomes predominant; the core of an issue becomes the center of focus. As reason is bypassed, there arises the capacity for instantaneous recognition of the totality of a problem and a major expansion of context, especially regarding time and process. Reason deals only with particulars, whereas Love deals with entireties. This ability, often ascribed to intuition, is the capacity for instantaneous understanding without resorting to sequential symbol processing. This apparently abstract phenomenon is, in fact, quite concrete; it’s accompanied by a measurable release of endorphins in the brain.

Love takes no position, and thus is global, rising above separation. It’s then possible to be “one with another” for there are no longer any barriers. Love is therefore inclusive and expands the sense of self progressively. Love focuses on the goodness of life in all its expressions and augments that which is positive – it dissolves negativity by recontextualizing it, rather than by attacking it.

This is the *Love of true happiness, but although the world is fascinated with the subject of Love, * only 0.4 percent of the world’s population ever reach this level of evolution of consciousness.”

Dr. David R. Hawkins M.D. PhD - Power VS Force

You may wonder why I started out with this big long quote. Well I’ll tell you, it’s been a hell of a year for me, a lot of my friends, and my family. I want to be perfectly clear about the business at hand. Several friends have gone through some serious upheavals through the flood in many ways. One friend was about to get married to her long time love, sold her condo (on the river) and was in the process of moving her things to her intended’s condo. During his own stressful moments, he called off the wedding, left her in the middle of a flooded building trying to unpack/pack, and make new evacuation arrangements. She was devastated, but not destroyed. Today, she is able to see this same man, smile, wave, and wish him well in his new life, 13 weeks later.

The capacity to Love unconditionally is foreign to most people. As well as being an alien emotion in its purest form, it frightens most human beings senseless. Where they commit acts of desperation to contain it or distance themselves from it. The common form of love wears many masks, and many of those masks only have layers of opaque glass to see through. Often times we look through these myopic tunnels and swear we know who or what is in front of us, all the while swearing fealty to someone we barely know anything about.

There are few among us who can look back at our past and say we truly Loved. I believe when you truly experience unconditional love you take on a greater understanding of human nature and your capacity to forgive even the most heinous of indiscretions.

No matter what the crime, if you love unconditionally, you forgive. In any case you should always forgive as withholding that is akin to holding yourself hostage until you let it go. Lets be smart here, forgiveness is not weak or asking for trouble. You can most certainly forgive someone for not being who you want them to be. Essentially that’s the bottom line here. People are who they are. If they don’t conform to your expectations than perhaps you viewed them from your foggy glass masks. Forgiving is setting yourself free. After all, they have to live with themselves, but you do not. That is the key to forgiveness. You are free to forgive, and you are also free to walk away and wave and smile from a distance.

As a child, I went to church on Sunday, learned the valuable lesson of how to turn the other cheek and forgive. The missing link in that lesson is to turn the other cheek, forgive, and then back out of reach and stay out of reach. You can still love anyone unconditionally without putting yourself in harm’s way.

One of my older neighbors, from next door, called me up a few weeks in to the fray. She had been staying with her son and daughter-in-law. Her tears were flowing long before I arrived at the parking lot of the Starbucks in our neighborhood. Her daughter-in-law had asked her for money for groceries. She had given it to her right away, only to overhear the girl complain to her husband that she thinks his mother had stolen the money off the kitchen counter. There were other issues, too horrible to regurgitate here, but she cried on my shoulder for two hours. It was hard to see, this lovely grandmother broken down and rejected by the people that had given her shelter in the wake of Canada’s biggest natural disaster. In a time when she needed to feel safe, protected, and welcomed, she was chided when they grew tired of having a guest, they made fun of her if she mistakenly asked about a location on the news, and worse than anything, she felt in the way. We all found weakness in each other during this flood, and there were those that didn’t have any serious disruption to their lives who showed their truest weakness as selfishness.

From the people I train with to the neighbors in my building, we have all shared stories of the Great Flood and how it’s changed the dynamics of everything for most of us.

This flood has seen the attrition of short term acquaintances and has strengthened the bonds of many years of shared experiences with the deep understanding of true friends. These are friends we all have known for many years. Friends to whom time and distance became irrelevant. The flood made more changes in all of us than we cared to mention in public.

Patience in most has waned since June. They have less tolerance for emotional stinginess in close circles. When times were tough and they needed real emotional support, it came from the most remote areas of their lives that they had never counted on, and then some of the people closest to them were emotionally unavailable and their concern was strongly for themselves. I watched the appearance of close knit circles melt away and what we were all left with was a much smaller, tighter group. All of us having faced the demons of hardship and remembering each other before ourselves, we bonded together and formed a deeper bond in our shared tragedy.

Even in my weakest and darkest hour, I still Love unconditionally, those who were there and those who were not there. That was my lesson in all of this. I learned that regardless of how I see someone, I can still care about them, what happens to them, but I can care from a distance.

I remember when my ex-husband was being not so pleasant to me early on in our marriage and he asked with complete sham solemnity if I still loved him after what he had done. My reply was simple and made him laugh out loud. “of course I will always love you, but I just don’t like you very much right now”. Back then, I was never sure if it was actually true, what I had said. After this summer, I can honestly say yes, I can still unconditionally Love everyone.

Don’t forget to check your Compass!

Things that go BUMP in the night...

After being unceremoniously evacuated out of my home this last few months, being told to stay out for 6 weeks give or take, and then being allowed back in August 1st only to be informed our occupancy was conditional, excuse me if I am a little lax about unpacking the boxes just yet.

It is the crunch time. The last week of our 'conditional' occupancy in my building on the river. (for a few days this summer it was IN the river... but I digress).

The owners were told certain repairs had to take place to be cleared for permanent residence by the City Inspectors and rightly so. Everyone who has been in this building knows we all live here for the location, and the ratty carpet in the hallways, the 1970's wallpaper, and light fixtures in the common areas were never something we thought about. We stayed because we all know each other, we are neighbours, we are friends and have been for as long as I have been here. We help each other with moving, driving to and fro, picking up something left out by mistake, and storing each other's stuff when needed. We spend hours in the sunlight on the front porch, watching the traffic, the squirrels, and laughing about the random subjects that cross our minds. We talk about the news, the new buildings, and the old buildings not ready for their occupants to go home yet.
After the flood, we came by everyday to check on our places, we gathered on the porch and watched the sad and defeated inhabitants of our quiet little block drag suitcases back and forth in the mud, then the dirt, and now the dust. We weren't so chatty then, as we all felt each other's pain at being left to figure out the maze of public assistance, the lack of information from qualified sources about what we could or could not do or apply for. We all pitched in with the 40-a-day volunteers to drag the muddied remnants of our lives into the street to be hauled away by the City Waste Department. Let me just say, that crew had the toughest job, worked the longest hours, and deserves a freakin' medal for what they did to clean up the mess.

So by this time next weekend, I'll know what the status is. Do I stay or do I go.

I left the boxes packed so I could leave again if I had to. I have no plan, nor do I want one. My new contracts will take me away most of the time anyway so putting everything back in storage for a few years is not out of the question. I like having roots, but I would rather have wings.

With no storage area left in the building, I have boxes packed and stacked in the corners and around the perimeter of my suite. Some times, I have to find something to finish a job for a client, and I'll have to sort through a box or two to get the right tool. Occasionally, I am in such a focused state, I forget I've left contents strewn over the ottoman and the boxes wide open in the hall. In the night, if I wake up and decide to get a glass of water, I frequently find myself scraping my legs on the boxes, tripping over the left behind contents, or generally spouting oaths of discomfort... loudly... at inappropriate times... after I have nicked my toes on a rolling vinyl backdrop. Highly unpleasant but tolerable just to be in my own space.

As of today, nothing that the City Inspectors have asked for has been completed and we are in the last week before the Inspector comes back to certify our building. There is a boiler here in the city, waiting to be installed, according to the ones that are here all the time, the carpet people have come and done estimates. It would be smart business to keep the money in the bank until they absolutely have to spend it, but really, putting every one at peace might actually be in their best interests at this stage.

If all goes well next weekend, I can write about something else. If not, everything is for sale, and I will be taking all serious offers seriously, because I'm tired of bumping into boxes every night. ;)

Don't forget to check your compass!

Cole

Dear Universe ... I am unbreakable...

In my short 46 years I have learned so much about myself and human nature in general. I've learned that I know a lot more than I used to but I am still learning every day, and I do not know everything yet.

In my experience, and there have been a few, in fact let me detail some of them for you just now...

I have been beat up, teased, and bullied by rough housing family members, bitten scratched, and growled at by farm animals, thrown off of horses into steel gates, trampled and squeezed by hungry cows, nearly frozen to death while walking to school, left in a hot vehicle in the summer by an errant parent, almost drown in the pond on the back 40, picked on, bullied, and teased for 8 looong years in public school. (thanking the universe for private education system), left on a deserted country road by a boy who said 'put out or get out' ( I chose to 'get out' and walk the 20 km back to the farm house). I've been stood up, gossiped about by jealous mean girls, left in a third world country to fend for myself and my two small children by a philandering spouse, lived through a Royal Coup d' Tat only 10 blocks from the action, left for dead by a third case of dysentery, cheated on, lied to, defied, disrespected, bullied by adults, more gossip, exclusion, jealousy, cheated death again, survived death threats by angry incarcerated young men, witnessed humans being very bad to each other, put a thriving business on hold to care for an ailing mother, buried a father, watched my children be forced to grow up too early because they had no choice, guilt of the single parent, poverty, hunger, stalkers, clients that don't pay even though they loved my pictures, boyfriends that love but don't commit, friends that talk the talk but can't walk the walk, and 2013 started with a bang, potential boyfriend decides he is a bad man so ends it before it even had a chance to start, get evacuated a few days later from the flood plain, 6 weeks of muddy, dirty cleaning, 6 weeks of clients cancelling all the work due to flooding, 6 weeks out of work with the bills still coming in, request an exorcism for the utility company computer for sending me disconnection notices and exorbitant bills for a currently uninhabitable address I am not allowed to go home to, try and salvage personal items from waterlogged and silt muddied building, give up after 5 looong days and throw it all in the muddy smelly heap on the front, what used to be a lawn, watch the front end loaders and bobcats scoop away personal possessions and memories and dump them in a big trucks to haul away the mess, laugh almost hysterically at the phone when the 'Tax man' calls while standing in my former front yard looking at the mess that was once my quiet, sleepy, neighbourhood, tell the 'Tax Man' to check my postal code and get back to me tomorrow, offer to put the stylishly green and dirty rubber boots back on so we can go to the dump together to find the stinking wet pile of boxes that used to be my intricately organized tax filing system, then the 'Tax Man' declined my very thoughtful offer and we called a truce as he realized last time the audit man found that they OWED ME money and my books were in order, because it's not like I had anything better to do, then we are allowed a 'conditional occupancy' back at the beachfront property and power is finally on after 6 weeks, and the cleaning begins with wiping down everything and getting the gritty silty dust from the riverbed and glacial deposits off of everything I own that was left behind and still dry, fridge smells from the food that thawed after the first 3 days with no power, bleaching fridge, baking soda, still smells, throw out any dried goods that were not sealed in plastic, and tastes and smells of dirt and feels gritty, hungry, tired, and sleeping on a floor mat because I was smart enough to remove almost all soft goods to high ground during the clean-up, all soft goods left in humid apartment smell like dirty river water and need dry-cleaning/excessive washing, thankful for the good sense of removing big ticket soft goods as cleaning the stinky flood smell would have been too expensive, but unimpressed with sleeping arrangements, getting bed back this weekend, spent last night remembering a favourite uncle, who was of good solid character, full of kindness and patience for a young black-sheep artistic child, and a life long soldier for our great country of Canada,  who passed away after a brief illness and old age.

In all these things there were also these moments, whose weight is belied by their simplicity and far outweighed the above, the kindness of strangers in the most desperate of situations, humour and levity in desperate times, the loyalty of true friendship, truth, compassion, empathy, honour, and love. Love unfettered by the boundaries of romance and possession, but true unconditional love. I have experienced ecstasy of the saints, ( that has NOTHING to do with sex for all my more base minded friends ) I have borne witness to countless miracles and unexplained phenomenon with moments of heart stopping tension... and I am still here.

I am, unsinkable, unstoppable, unbreakable... I am superhuman. and I am still here.

Conspiracy Theorists beware...

Boston Tragedy and conspiracies abound...

SO here we are, one day after the Boston Marathon Bombing and everyone is up in arms about the details and drills and loss of life, injuries, and photos.

Now I'm going to say, this event hits me right in my camera. No, I was not there, but a few sports photojournalists were attending and covering for their respective agencies. The tightening of my chest and tension in my neck and back were instant as I received a forwarded copy of details from one of my colleague's wives, to let us all know they were okay, unharmed, and still shooting the aftermath.

The email was quite personal so I'm not going to quote, but I will say in between doing his job, he grabbed anyone he came across that needed help and did what needed to be done, forgetting the 30 + lbs of camera gear strung across his upper body.

Now I'm seeing twitter and facebook conspiracy theorists call out the government for planting the bombs to raise a police state, theories of creating fear and distrust so they can take control. Keep in mind, we all have free speech for a reason and I'd like you all, if you have any negative comments... keep it civil, intelligent, and informed. There are very young people that read my words as well.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and just say it. This is highly unlikely to be a conspiracy plot. If it is, I'll be the first to admit but I really do have to say this out loud and clearly.

What would be the outcome if the news stations, government, and local authorities announced that there was a meteor heading straight for your town. Do you think that there would be a straight orderly line up out of town? Do you think that your neighbours, that you've never spoken to in the 10 years you've lived in that town would lend you their spare car, water, food, medical supplies? No... that's definitely not what would happen. It would be absolute chaos and serious death and injury would result long before the meteor ever hit the atmosphere. Human beings are pre-programmed by DNA to fight or flight. Not everyone has the basic emotional rational control to stay calm and think. They would run, there would be survival of the fittest. There would be stampedes, looting, and irrational behaviour.

The police, fire, and government would not likely announce a bomb threat in crowds of a 100,000+ plus. That would be stupid and cause more destruction and death than the actual bombs. They would do their best to find the bombs and clear the areas affected with as little public knowledge as possible, especially if they don't know who the bombers are, or where they are. In the general public, I can see this would anger you, but it was likely necessary to keep the public from panic.

Not everyone has a calling to save lives, even their own family. In fact over half of the worlds population will save themselves first knowing it was a choice between them or their child. Ask the people who save lives for a living what they've seen.

No, there was not a conspiracy theory. It was some incredibly brave emergency responders trying to keep everyone safe, walking among the crowd, knowing they will not be able to save everyone if they don't find the explosives fast enough. Imagine knowing that and having to keep your mouth shut so people don't trample their fellow crowd members to death.

And I reiterate... take a day to think about your response before you comment in anger or rebuttal. I had to sleep on this before I wrote it.

As for me and my camera, I am happy to be here at home in Calgary today. I am alive and breathing, and I can take pictures tomorrow, but I have faced death many times and I am still here. Happy to be here too.

Don't forget to check your Compass.

Cole

Colorful ...

20 + years ago, while I was off exploring the world and losing myself in amazing experiences outside of Canada, my family had a reunion. It was in the making for a few years prior to its commencement.
In fact, my great uncle had written a piece detailing the family tree from the Russian provinces in the 1800's. At the time, not much information could be detailed about my maternal grandmother's family. All we had was centric to my Grandfather's parent's flight from a rapidly evolving communist movement in St Petersbourg. More specifically, in 1892, the trek from Eastern Canada to their Central Alberta oil rich property. I found the lack of connectivity odd.

In my spare time, which is rare these days, I often looked for information on my Grandmother's family. Not much was known pre 1900's. She came directly from the Russian provinces in the early 1900's. She had two sisters already here in Alberta and she was sent for to be the bride of the youngest heir to a farming/landowning fortune. Of Germanic/Russian speaking roots, Bavarian so we now know, she was a perfect match for the Heir apparent. A younger brother followed later, who became a war hero, whom I was close with as a very young child. He is the reason I support the Poppy Fund whenever I can.

With the help of my lovely great aunties and a few distant cousins, we've managed to piece together something of a winding path of Bavarian middle nobility that spins its web through several dynasties of the great families of Europe. We followed the path from Canada, back to Lithuania via Russia, Prussia, France, Bavaria, and back to France.

The whole point to my story is how this relates to who I am today. The characters in the history have turned out to be incredibly colorful. I had no idea when I started this journey what I would find or who I would find. It appears the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, although I have to say, the genetic coding can certainly skip a generation or two in the process. I don't believe my immediate family had ever understood my lust for life and experiences. I believe my artistic/photographic character is directly in line with my distant ancestors.

The oddest thing to see, was a portrait painted in the late 1800's of my Great, Great Grandmother. When I opened the file, it was my grandmother's face staring back at me. Actually... my face, my nose, my eyes but on a female in her 80's. She had a colorful story all on her own. She died in 1905, penniless, in the south of France. I can honestly say, based on what I know now, there are reason's people keep their family history a secret. Sometimes it's best not to know but I am glad I peeked. I can put questions about my own idiosyncrasies to rest as I now know how I managed to be so different from my sisters and parents, but related by DNA.

Travelling the world with my camera to record all the events as they unfold, is who I have been, who I am. The experiences, both good, bad, and some not too far off disasterous, are all par for the course of living.
My fever for adventure, life, and love is all a part of my colorful history. When all is said and done, I am proud to have done the things I have, lived such a massively larger than life existence, and am here to tell the stories today. When people raise their eyebrows at my life stories, I can say I come by it honestly. It's in the genes.

Now on to the next colorful adventure!

Don't forget to check your Compass!

Cole

Gun Control ... dig a little deeper

In light of recent violent events in US/China...

I have some thoughts on this that I posted elsewhere previously... let me just lay it all out for you as I see it.

In my former life in a law enforcement support job, and I'll be clear... I was NOT an office girl or a court clerk. I worked in the jail, up close and personal with all types of suspects and hard core convicted male and female offenders. I will never discuss what I have seen with anyone outside of law enforcement as I have to be honest here... it was not pretty. I've seen human beings at their absolute worst and also their lowest and for a a few years, I didn't stop seeing them even when I closed my eyes.

In my experience, gun control is not the issue at all, and before anyone decides to give me backlash, I am very much FOR gun control. You don't need a semi automatic to go hunting. PERIOD.

Ask any person in law enforcement and they will tell you, when a human being is so full of rage, everything... including a plastic fork can be made into a weapon.  If they want to hurt, maim, or kill another in their uncontrollable rage, they will find a way.  In fact, the choice of weapon is irrelevant. If they want you dead, they will find a way. Rage is not just a simple burst of endorphins and emotion. It can be a long drawn out process of years of thought and planning. In fact, most mass killings are somewhat planned. Regardless of what the theatrics of a defense attorney can conjure up in a courtroom, temporary insanity doesn't wash with me.

Gun controls will only stop the speed with which they can kill and maybe lessen the amount of killing. It will not stop the perpetrator from committing the act, planned or not.

Unless we all start walking around wearing full kevlar and safety helmets, maybe we should be looking a little further back and take preventative measures from infancy.  The issue is indeed society and a shortage of a strong family and community structure.

Building strength of character and good community involvement is essential to prevent the breakdown of moral values and social interaction. So as much as I would love to see gun control on the table, perhaps the measures should be deeper and more permanent. On that note Gun Control would be a really great start.

Happy Saturday!

Don't forget to check your Compass!

Cole
December 14th, 2012

A little wisdom from Bob...

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
― Bob Marley

The Last Exit and National Geographic Update!

In photography, you learn to view the world in a different way than the average human. Your eyes are trained to observe moments in the scene before you that generally go un-noticed by the masses. A key part of this element is lighting. Different lighting can show everything there is to see in one eighth of a second, or tease you with only certain areas of an image lit well enough to see at first glance. It's these images I love the most. You look and see one thing, but with careful observation, you notice something else. The next time you look at the very same image, another piece of the scene becomes a part of your awareness. A well lit ( and I don't mean brightly, I mean well lit as in creatively with darkness and light) piece can tease you with it's image at first glance and keep you looking for the hidden objects that are just barely visible in the darkness or the peripheral edges of the work.

I walked into a place in Memphis and was blown away by the lighting in a very popular night spot. Bare light bulbs hanging from the ceiling on, what appeared to be the original early 1900's light fixture. One would think this would make for a hard scrabble existence in the night club world. Not so for this place. The owner was a friend to the man I was there to interview and photograph. Consequentially, I met the owner and we had a great discussion on the history of the building, it's previous owners, the current incarnation, and the ghosts that claim the building as home to date.

The bare light bulbs gave the club the depth and character that suited it's historical place in Memphis music history. My first visit was an experience I'll never forget and I'll have a full story on that in the book. (We are in the home stretch with the writing by the way). I serendipitously met a man who was a significant player in the change of history in the South with civil rights, along side Martin Luther King Jr. and Rosa Parks. He took me there, introduced me to the staff and owners, showed me around, and gave me a great history of his part in the 60's, 70's.

The club has paint peeling off the walls, the lathing is showing in spots where the plaster has fallen away. Small club tables, that you'd swear were original to the building when it was a cool place to hang out in the 1920's, ashtrays, coke iceboxes, and claw foot bathtubs still in place from when it was a overnight porter rooming house during prohibition. The lighting is a key element in the character of this building and is the subject of a recent canvas I had printed to auction at the Diabetes Fundraiser at Hotel Arts in Calgary on June 15th. Tickets are $75 and it's called A Creative Affair. Please come out, it's for a great cause. I won't be there but the canvas will be! ( The canvas by the way, is a 14 x 26 Fine Art Canvas print of the upstairs hallway in this joint. and Yes I can safely call it a joint) The owner gave me a picture of Elvis and BB King standing together in the very same hallway. For those of you that don't know, Tupelo, Mississippi is a short drive away and some would say this club's original musical line up would have been some of Elvis's most influential experiences.

The canvas is titled 'Last Exit' and the description talks a little about what I've written above. The impact the image had on me when I first saw this upper hallway was indeed, the last exit. A hallway with an exit sign, a window up to heaven, or a partially visible stairwell leading below, with a guiding light (the bare bulb over the stairwell and window above.) For those of you like myself that were raised with serious religion in the family, the image clearly has hidden meaning about the pathway to either, the choices you can make with doors on one side and windows on the other. You have to see it to really read this description and understand the image. The lighting plays a key roll in what's visible and barely visible.

This is my favorite kind of photography, where there is a vision that emerges more and more with the study of it. Something that is not staged but already exists as it is. Someone, like myself, comes along and sees, not the bare bulbs and decaying building that it is, but an image of our history, whether personal or practical and photographs the scene with a whole new perspective.

If you all have a mind to see it, Get a ticket for "A Creative Affair" at Hotel Arts on June 15th, 2012. It's up for silent auction. For whomever buys the piece, it's signed and numbered as 1/1. There will never be another one printed on this medium. All future prints will be limited to 50 and not on canvas, or that large. The full story of the meeting, interview, and photography of this event will be in the book so it will have a history of it's own that the new owner of the print can refer to for their own enjoyment.

Don't forget to check your Compass!
Cole

PS Update for National Geographic post... there are some people coming to Calgary this June for some NG business, not sure what their connection to NG is but I think I may have a meeting arranged... I'll keep you all updated! Keeping my finger's crossed...

The $50,000,000.00 question...

On a recent work/play trip to Naramata, my friend and I discussed the many options available to those with money and what they accomplish here at home, versus what other's do with it in many foreign entities.

I've heard many people wax and wan on the subject at length and what they would do with that kind of money. Now this is a side of me many already know and understand. It's also a notion of how our charitable system works. I've given this much thought over the years, when you're a single parent working yourself to exhaustion, occasionally you get a few spare moments to dream up a utopia. There were many hours of dead time when I was working in law enforcement with intermittent showers of furious activity in the dead of night where I could design my perfect world. Bare with me as I bare my idealistic soul to some of you for the very first time. Please be gentle on your comments as this is a subject dear to my heart.

I have had many mentors over the years that have shown me the value of having copious amounts of liquid assets to make the world a better place. I've always admired those corporate entities that take a portion of their company and get the employees engaged in a giving attitude. I love my friends at CAWST.org for their selflessness in assisting the third world in clean water and sanitation. Here at home, we take this for granted and consider it a right and not a privilege. We have governments here in the west that have passed laws to grant us these rights to disease free drinking water and sanitation. We have Civil Engineers that ensure our safety on a daily basis, and for this we are only just getting the message that our wasteful ways of the past are socially unacceptable. In the third world, this is the privilege of few that can afford it. CAWST.org makes it as affordable as possible to those that would not have the option otherwise. They offer education and sustainability over the long term along with their initial investments in each location they work with. I love to work with this group doing photography. They are true leaders and all have a direction not born out of financial gain. They all work for much less than what they could make in the Oil and Gas industry.  please look them up and get involved if you like what they stand for. A lot of their biggest supporters are our own Oil and Gas and banking big names. CAWST.org.

I have volunteered my skills for many non-profits here in Calgary and abroad and learned important lessons about each of their charitable cause of choice. A local company that I work for often and consider my most favorite, I have learned the most important lessons of all. When I have major liquid assets, I'll be following the model of charitable giving they have presented.
 Each and every event they throw is dedicated to a new organization except one. At Christmas, they support our Poppy Fund. The Poppy Fund gives to our veterans. Need I elaborate? These men and women put themselves in harm's way so we can live the comfortable lives that we live... everyday. I would make provisions for The Poppy Fund in my ideal world.

The one thing I would most certainly do, because it's a subject close to my heart, is build a scholarship fund for single parents. When I was a struggling single Mom, the help available was limited by my government, local, provincial, and federal. There was nothing in place that could help me better myself or the lives of my children. There were systems of assistance that made sure we would stumble along in poverty and government dependence for a lifetime. There were very few options available to us and I can say very strongly, I didn't feel that being a drain on the system or stagnant in the welfare-mother pool a path I wanted to experience, or an example I wanted my children to emulate as they progressed into adulthood. I worked, often to exhaustion to keep our heads above water and show my kids that working hard may be tiring and sometimes difficult, but worth it in the end. I am proud to say they both have this as part of their general life values. They learned to take nothing for granted as well.

Okay, enough poetry of my last life... here's my plan...

With 'money to burn', I would establish a foundation that makes grants, micro loans, and assistance available for single parents. The criteria would be simple and to show commitment, the parent would have to meet a strict set of non-negotiable steps to qualify for the foundation, and during the whole period of time, regular meetings, check-ups, and references to ensure the criteria is being adhered to would be required as well. There would be very little or no actual money available but bills would be covered for each successful applicant over a period of time. Bills would be living, childcare, transportation, and tuition/textbooks etc. Micro loans would have to meet a similar criteria as well as a viable business plan.

The whole point of the grant is to give people the tools to be successful. To be successful, sometimes people just need that little push to change their world for the better. The criteria required weeds out the ones who may not be a good risk, because essentially there will always be a risk of some people not being emotionally strong enough to stick with anything. A big part of this would be giving a first year of application to the foundation all about counselling, developing coping skills,  inner strength, and problem solving. Even those that don't make it through that first year of assessment, may benefit and become stronger, better human beings.

For every 4 single parents that qualify after the first year of assessment, 4 more from a developing nation would also get a grant, micro loan, or some form of assistance to improve their lives or the lives of their whole village. It is essential to keep the program small and personal so no one is lost in the system, no one falls behind, and everyone, including the future employers or customers of the successful foundation members, can go forward and be successful. Even the tiniest success can make a huge difference in the lives of a single parent.

I firmly believe that everyone deserves the opportunity to have success, no matter how small their success may seem to the rest of us, it may make a major difference in their lives, the lives of their children, and possibly generations to come. This is something I take from working with the non-profits and corporations that spend major amounts of their money on helping others. Who knows what I could have done with a little help when I was a struggling single Mom? With my career success based on massive personal effort, sacrifice, and serendipitous moments, I can claim very few people had stepped forward to give me an assist. Those that have, I continually Thank them and remember to convey my gratitude whenever another big success is accomplished. I will continue to do so for all my future success as well. The best way I can show my gratitude is to take what I have learned and give it back to others. Who knows what they can achieve with a small lift up?

I know there will be groans of protest and perfectly valid points of rebuttal to my Utopian dream, but truly, I don't care. It only takes one small effort to give someone the power to get on their right path, make a difference, and change the world for the better. Even if you're only changing one person's situation, at least that's one more person who can hold their head up everyday. One more person who may be able to teach their children to live a better life. For any of you friends reading this who are screaming liberalist, socialism, communist, blah, blah, blah... I'll make my $50,000,000.00 the good old fashioned capitalistic way... it only takes a few years of good photo ops to make it happen... or Lotto Max... Hahahahaha.

SO yeah... don't forget to check your Compass.
Cole

PS... still no word from National Geographic.... I can only imagine the amount of photographers sending in their stuff everyday hoping to be 'discovered' and dragged out of obscurity to be stabled by National Geographic. After 28 years of chalking their boots, I've learned the patience of sainthood. I'll be sure to let everyone know how that pans out as it goes. Thank you all for the emails, comments, letters, and words of encouragement. Thank you for standing beside me while I wait. I am so grateful.

Thank you ... and about that night....

I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank all the amazing readers who log on to read my posts. I am so grateful that everyone is interested in what I know, what I think, and what I am doing these days. I know most of you are people I know personally and are secretly hoping I won't write about you and tell all your secrets, (so you keep checking back to be sure I didn't write about that night years ago when I walked in on you and that anonymous super star). Just so everyone is sure about this, I NEVER tell names, and if it's something particularly incriminating, I will always change the name, the time of year, and the place. I have seen many things and would never want to be the cause of someone elses personal implosion. Most people have a way of managing that well enough on their own without any help from me.

This blog has reached 2000 regular readers and as of right now 2002 to date. Thank you all so much, so I'm going to try and thank my largest audience by country, please don't be offended if I miss anyone or don't get the translation quite right. I'm sure you'll all get the gist of what I am saying. Other than Canada and the US, my two biggest audiences, a lot of the data is compiled by continent based on readership. To those of you that don't see your country here, THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!

Pentru a tuturor cititorilor mei din România, o inimă vă mulţumesc pentru toate e-mailurile. Sunt atât de recunoscător şi mulţumit vă puteţi bucura de poveştile mele. Când am terminat de scris cartea mea, voi face cel mai bine mi sa tradus şi publicat în limba română.

Мои русские друзья, я скучаю по вам всем спасибо и надеюсь посетить родину когда-то в будущем. Прошло столько лет, так как я был дома и с нетерпением ждем встречи с вами снова.

เพื่อนของฉันเองในประเทศไทย ... มากรักในหัวใจของฉันและขอบคุณสำหรับการติดตามเรื่องราวของฉัน หวังที่จะเห็นคุณทั้งหมดอีกครั้งในช่วงเร็ว ๆ นี้!

Mein Deutschen, meine Freunde und Familie ... wir sind alle so weit auseinander, aber nicht so weit, wenn wir in Kontakt bleiben. Danke für das Lesen meiner Arbeit. Cheers!

A todos mis lectores de habla hispana y amigos, que son como familia para mí y mi corazón siempre está pensando en usted, no importa dónde estoy. Gracias por siempre leer sobre mi trabajo y viajes. Mucho amor siempre a México, Perú, Brasil, Argentina, Venezuela y España. No me olvido de mis amigos en el Caribe de habla española tampoco.

The friends and readers in the United Kingdom, we are all one and keep the fires burning, I'll be there soon! Thank you for tuning in and keeping me in your lives after all this time.

Mana latviešu ģimene un draugi, debesis ir zilas šodien un nākotnē ir spilgti mums visiem. paldies par skatoties uz mani vienmēr. Es glabāt jūs visi manās domās!

Lietuva, mano tėvynė ...Į prerijose mėlynas dangus atrodo tiek daug, kaip ir Vilnius.Architektūra yra ne tiek istorinis, bet energijos yra šviežia ir nauja.Dėkojame, kad mano gyvenime.Esu dėkinga ir laiminga, kad jūs darote.

لقرائي كل عربي. أنا أعرف بعض من كنت في حالة من الاضطراب في هذه الأيام، ولكن الأمور تتحسن. آمل أن يكون هذا وأنت بأحسن حال وآمنة وقلوبكم البقاء كبيرة وجميلة. وافتقد كورنيش، والأسواق، خصوصا سوق الذهب. خياط بلدي من قبل السوق الحرير، والسيد ممتاز، في الدوحة، لا يزال لدي جميع الملابس التي تمنيتها لي ولكم أزرار اليد التي قدمت ولا تزال الكمال. وافتقد الشمس الحارقة، والأصدقاء البدو بلدي، وجميلة البحار الخليج. البتراء، وادي رم، والكثبان الرملية الملك في قطر، وفندق شيراتون الدوحة كل ليلة السبت مع فهد وشارع...............

Grazie così tanto i miei lettori belli d'Italia. Presto mi recherò in visita e si possono incontrare a Roma in piazza per un tè pomeridiano e giornali. Si prega di tenere la lettura e ti farò sapere quando sono sulla mia strada! Tanto amore e felicità a tutti voi.

Pour mes fans français, les amis, la famille, et les critiques, oui, et même les critiques ... Je t'aime tous et je vous remercie d'être intéressés assez pour garder réglage pour mes émissions écrites, oui, même les critiques. Je sais que vous devez aimer certaines d'entre elles parce que vous revenez toujours à le lire et partager avec des amis. Quel que soit votre raison de continuer à accorder, Je vous remercie et je vais continuer à écrire afin que vous puissiez en discuter amonst votre auto et être ainsi très français dans vos commentaires! Cheers!

Finally, to my American readers... you are all so awesome. The letters, emails, cards, and texts are a big part of why I keep writing and you push me to be more bold, more bright, more everything. The boundaries are stretched a little more each time and you'll see it when the book is finished. Thank you for the support and well wishes. Whomever keeps sending me the anonymous donations... you have no idea how great your timing is for the help and I thank you so much for your patronage. Of course you all know where and when I'll see you all, as often as we meet. Book Launch maybe by the end of 2012/early 2013. So excited!

Last but not least, Canada, my home, my love, my haven. Canadians are the best, no offense to anyone else. It's my Canadian pride, where I was born and raised that makes me so proud. You always come through, my friends, fans, and family. Even if the post is a little slower, not as funny as the last, or not as colorful, you still read it to the end and comment anyway. Blessings on all your sweet Canadian hearts for your kindness and friendship. I hope you all love me as much when the book is done. Show your love in sales please! A portion of all profit will be donated to an amazing cause to help women in underprivileged countries be independent, educated, and business owners. When you educate a mother, the future of her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren is likely to be much brighter. They will educate, they will share their knowledge in their villages and raise the bar for everyone else as well. Micro loans to help them be prosperous and live better lives. These are all things we take for granted here at home. Lets share the wealth and raise everyone else up with us as we go!

Again if I missed anyone, I am so sorry. Don't hesitate to send me a note or a comment and I'll be sure to correct my omission in the future.

Thanks to all!
Don't forget to check your Compass!
Cole xo

PS... There is still no word from National Geographic on my last submission.

The Dream...

Most of you know, it's always been my dream to be a part of National Geographic. Since I was a little kid, sitting on the floor in our living room in front of the TV. We only had 3 channels on the farm so it was a foregone conclusion that I would either grow up to be Cher, Jacques Cousteau, or a photographer for National Geographic. Just so you know, Cher was already all that and a bag of chips, Jacques Cousteau was already a legend, so National Geographic it is. I briefly toyed with idea of being Marie Osmond but was disappointed to learn I did not have that amazing smile or all those brothers.

When you're a kid growing up in a difficult environment, anything is better than where you are. When your life is limited in real time, your daydreams become your solace and a safe place to retreat when it gets really ugly. I did this often, play acting with my friends that we were variety show performers on the swing set in my neighbor's back yard, singing at the top of our lungs, putting on one heck of a show for the dogs and cats. We scared away the magpies from the garden so the parents didn't mind so much. We had underwater adventures complete with workshop goggles as our scuba masks. The endless ocean of grass and alfalfa fields were places where all kinds of creatures could be found to examine, tag, and set free to be caught again the next day, and the alfalfa was shoulder height so we could wade through and pretend we were swimming and diving in a clear green ocean.

It's funny how when you grow up this would be an action that would get you psychiatric care, but really, do we have to cease dreaming and playing? Why do we need to lose our innocence and get serious about work, family, and life? I know that I did. I had to get serious fast. I had 2 children to raise and I had to do it alone and make it work no matter how bad it got. While I was being serious, I was losing my ability to daydream, to plan, to enjoy, to laugh. I did make it through, and so did my kids. We were all a little battle weary, but like my favorite quote from Vince Lombardi, once the kids were on their own,

"I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle - victorious."

This was how it was when they left to make their own way. They are good people, my kids. They try to do the right thing, even if it costs them. They can laugh, enjoy, and dream and live. I feel truly victorious in the regard. even if they struggle here and there a little, they both have a solid foundation and I know if anything happened down the road, their ability to navigate the storms is so ingrained, they'll both come out of whatever it is okay.

I feel this way about my own situation now. No matter what the situation. I am no shrinking violet. I will come out of it okay. Only now there is no urgency to survive, no stress, no, pressure. Just planning and dreaming for my own future.

I graduated business school a few years back, too many to mention. One of the exercises they ask you to do on the first day is set goals. We set goals in a short term and long term plan. Set the goal and then build your plan backwards as to what methods you'll use to achieve your goals. The instructor asked everyone in class to stand up and say out loud what their goals were. As we go through the rows of student, everyone had some pretty reasonable goals. When it gets to my turn, I stand up, a little shaky as we all know I had stage fright back then. I clear my throat and read from my goal sheets.
"I will own my own photography studio, I will make 'x' amount of dollars per year. I will travel extensively photographing as much of the world and the life in it for National Geographic."
The instructor stares at me blankly for a minute and then says out loud in front of the class " Don't you think that you should set a more realistic goal?  I mean, that is just not realistic."
The silence in the classroom was palpable. To his credit, one of the guys that sat in the back of the class said loud enough for everyone to make no mistake what he said, " Well I think it's a really cool goal and I hope you reach it." His comment was seconded by a few other murmuring students, but the majority were either too stunned by her bullying tone, or too weak to speak up, but the general consensus was that they all wished me well.

Now keep in mind, I had given up so much hope, lost my will to daydream, and had lived in survival mode for so long, my ability to read her negativity for what it was, was still on shaky ground. I had just recently found my voice and realized I could do anything I wanted, like I did when I was 5 years old and singing my heart out on the swing set. My kids were just coming into their adulthood, I was free to dream as I pleased, and she wanted to stuff me back in that little box with broken dreams. I was that battle scarred warrior, kneeling on the battlefield, victorious, and she dared to wrest my victory from my still bloody grasp.

Let me just be clear, less than 2 years later, I spent two days with His Holiness, the XIVth Dalai Lama, photographing his engagements here in Calgary. You want to bet, I sent an email to my Alma Matter to keep them posted on my progress fresh out of school. Realistic? Really?! Where would we be if the Wright brothers had been told not to dream? Steve Jobs? I say go ahead and dream! Go big or go home!

So I sent some of my work, along with a proper letter to National Geographic today. I've been sending them stuff for years, but had never been given permission to send it to the people who matter. With very heartfelt thanks to the people who believe in my skills and have been kind enough to recommend me, I sent it. It will take 6 to 10 days by regular mail to arrive at the head office. By the time it makes it's way through their mail room and delivered to the right person's inbox, it may be a day or two more. This same person probably gets 100 pieces of mail daily so when said person has a chance to open it, we'll see how far I've come.

If you all would care to wait with me, I'd appreciate your support and faith, prayers, facing east, meditation, blessings, well wishes, if anyone wants to invest in some fairy dust, that's acceptable as well.
So wait with me, and we'll reach for the stars together.

"Puerilis animi bona, quia est via ad astra." Virgil

Don't forget to check your Compass!
Cole

facebook, twitter, blogs, and work

I've received close to 1900 emails, texts, and messages, and everyone wants to know what my new projects are that are taking me away from Facebook, Twitter, and the Blog. Let's be clear about my goals first of all.

It's not just one project, it's several. Some are based here, some I will be very far away for. To add to the mix, my Mom, we have been told, will not be much longer for this world. So I will spend my time shuttling back and forth from Calgary to Edmonton to see her while I can. The fact that I tend to keep my serious personal info, very personal, it is not common for me to share a current event that is ongoing. I usually wait until all has passed by to fully evaluate it before I write or disclose anything. Much easier to find the forgiveness and humor in a situation once it's done and the dust has settled. As I was saying, these current events leave little time for Facebook, Twitter, and the other frivolities of social interaction. Some have been quite offended at my offhanded shuffle of information but to be truthful, sometimes you have to pare your life down to the essentials. Not that I don't consider my friends essential. You are all very valuable to me. My face to face friends as well as my virtual friends. So let's be clear, I have a big heart, I care about everyone, but I must stay focused on those that need me most just now, as well as keep my work growing. If you don't hear from me, know that it is in good cause and don't take it personal.

Aside from the new work, my Mother's time passing by quickly, more now than ever, my son has put in his application to the Armed Forces. I have mixed feelings about this. I have many soldier friends. Mostly US Special Forces. I know what this life entails, I understand the risks involved, I understand the odds. I am proud that I raised two children who have stood up against all odds of being raised in a one parent family, and become successful adults. I am proud that they have stood up to bullies and discrimination. ( Yes, coming from a single parent family is a difficult situation for kids and they face social discrimination from teachers, other married parents, and a few factions I care not to mention ) I am proud that my son is willing to put his life on the line for his country. I know the position he wants to be in with the military as a career, and I can fully see him there and support his decision. He is a brilliant young man and has so much heart that I believe in his ability to manage the situations at hand. Having been all over the world before the age of 5 may have had a hand in giving him the ability to adapt and have strength in any situation.

With all this new stuff coming all at once, you'll all understand if I beg off of posting on Facebook and Twitter for a short 6 months. It really just seems so trivial all of a sudden up against the big picture. If you stick around, I'll post stuff here, on the blog when I have time from my hotel rooms, or when I'm jet lagged at home. I'll be grateful for your company if you leave a comment or two when I'm stuck in some third world area. You're welcome to share this on Facebook, Twitter, or LinkedIn if you like. If you scroll down to the bottom there are faded little buttons that will help you post it directly.

To all my regular readers scattered all over the globe, my fellow writers, travel junkies, journalists, and photographers, I Thank you all so much for your continued presence and comments. I usually respond personally to everyone but that may not be possible to do in a timely fashion for a while, but I will try.
Thank you in advance for being interested enough to read my blog and take the time to send a comment or email. In however manner you do it, it's no small thing and it's appreciated.

So if you're interested to know what I'm up to, check back here. Can't say I will be posting on a regular basis. Just when I can and I hope you'll all still stay friends on Facebook etc. and maybe I'll see you in the fall.

Don't forget to check your Compass!

Cole